This guy says, “Hello, “I want to kill myself.
You okay, sweetie? I just feel likesomeone reached down my throat grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck.
Cookie? Carol moved her stuff out today.
– Let me get you some coffee.
Stop cleansing my aura.
Just leavemy aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright?Really, everyone I hope she'll be very happy.
– No, you don't- No, I don't.
To hell with her, she left me! And you never knewshe was a lesbian.
No, okay? Why does everyonekeep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Sometimes, I wish I was a lesbian.
Did I say that out loud? Alright, Ross, look, you'refeeling a lot of pain right now.
Can I tell youwhat the answer is? Strip joints! Come on, you're single.
Have some hormones.
But I don't wantto be single, okay? I just, I just, I just want to be married again.
And I justwon a million dollars.
Rachel? [gasps]Oh, God, Monica, hi.
I just went to your buildingand you weren't there.
And then this guy with a bighammer said you might be here and you are.
Can I get you some coffee? Decaf.
Okay, everybody this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.
This-this is everybody.
This is Chandler, and Phoebe and Joey.
And you remembermy brother, Ross? – Sure! Hi.
So you want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Oh, God! Well.
it started about a half-hourbefore the wedding.
I was in this room wherewe were keeping all the presents And I was lookingat this gravy boat.
This reallygorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
When all of sudden.
Sweet N' Low? I realized I realized I wasmore turned on by this gravy boatthan by Barry.
And then I gotreally freaked out.
And that's when it hit me how much Barrylooks Mr.
You know, I mean, I alwaysknew he looked familiar, but.
Anyway, I just hadto get out of there and I started wondering”Why am I doing this?” and “Who am I doing this for?” So, anyway, I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and Ihave kind of drifted apart but you're the only person Iknew who lived here in the city.
Who wasn'tinvited to the wedding.
Oh, I was kind of hopingthat wouldn't be an issue.
[“Star spangled banner”instrumental] Well, that's it.
– You gonna crash on the couch?- No.
No, I gottago home, sometime.
You gonna be okay? – Yeah.
Hey, Mon, look what I justfound on the floor.
[chuckles] What? That's Paul's watch.
Now, you just, put it backwhere you found it.
[thud] [chuckling] – Hmm.
' – Hmm.
– Oh, sorry.
– Oh, no, no.
– No, have it, really.
– I don't want.
– Split it? – Okay.
You probably didn't know thisbut back in high school I had a.
major crush on you.
You did? Oh.
[scoffs] I always figuredyou just thought I was Monica'sgeeky older brother.
– I did.
Listen, do you think and try not to letmy intense vulnerability become any kindof a factor here but you thinkit would be okay if I asked you outsometime maybe? Yeah.
Okay, maybe I will.
[laughing] – Alright.
[door opens and closes] See ya.
Hey, what's with you? I just grabbed a spoon.
[instrumental music] Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunitionthan they already have.
Yes, and we all knowhow cruel a parent can be about the flatnessof a child's pillow.
Monica, hi! Um.
Monica, you're scaring me.
I mean, you're like, you're allchaotic and twirly, you know.
And not-not in a good way.
Yeah, calm down.
You don't see Rossgetting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.
That's because as faras my parents are concerned Ross can do no wrong.
You see, he's the prince.
Apparently they had some bigceremony before I was born.
– Ew, ew, ew!- What? Ugly naked guygot a Thighmaster.
(in unison)Ew! Has anybody seenmy engagement ring? Yeah, it's beautiful.
No-no, don't touch that.
Oh, like I wasn't dreadingtomorrow enough having to give it back to him.
Hi, Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veilwho stomped on your heart in front of your entire family! Oh, God and now I'm gonnahave to return the ring without the ring, which makes it so much harder.
Easy, Rach, we'll find it.
– Won't we?- Oh, yeah.
Alright, when did youhave it on last? Doy! Probablyright before she lost it.
You don't geta lot of doy these days.
I know, I had it this morning and I know I had it whenI was in the kitchen with.
Dinah? Oh, don't be mad.
– You didn't.
– Oh, I'm sorry.
I gave you one job! Oh, but look how straightthose noodles are.
Now, Monica, you knowthat's not how you look for an engagement ringin a lasagna.
I just can't do it.
Boys? We're going in.
[knock on door] Hi.
That is not a happy hi.
Ooh! I found it! W-w-what? Yeah.
Do that for another two hours you might be whereI am right about now.
Kinda puts that whole pillowthing in perspective, huh, Mon? Well now, how how do you fitinto this whole thing? Well, Carol says sheand Susan want me to be involved but if I'm not comfortable withit, I don't have to be involved.
Basically it's totally up to me.
She is so great! I miss her.
Well, what does she meanby involved? I mean, presumably the biggestpart of your job is done.
Anyway, they want meto go down to this sonogram thingwith them tomorrow.
– So what are you gonna do? I have no idea.
No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.
[cutlery clanking] Well, this is stillruined, right? No, no, no.
They say it's thesame as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb the the tip of his index finger.
Can I use either thumb? Alright.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
And an iced tea.
I'm getting pretty good at this.
– Good job.
Good for me.
[mumbling] – You okay, Phoebe?- Yeah.
No, I'm just, it's, uh.
It's not even worth.
It's my bank.
And what did they do to you? It's not, it's just.
I'm goin' throughmy mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, statement– – Easy, easy.
– And, yeah.
And there's $500extra in my account.
Oh! Satan's minionsat work again.
Yes, 'cause now I have to godown there and deal with them.
What are you talkin' about?Keep it.
It's not mine.
I didn't earned it.
If I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping.
Let's say I boughta really great pair of shoes.
Do you know what I'd hearwith every step I took? Not mine.
And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping.
I'd hear, not-not mine.
We're with you.
We got it Okay.
I just, I'd neverbe able to enjoy it.
It would be likethis giant karmic debt.
(Monica)'Chandler, what are you doin'?' Hey, what are you doing? – Oh, whoa!- Oh, gross.
– What are you doing?- What is this? I'm smoking.
I'm smokingI'm smoking.
Oh, I can't believe you.
You've been so goodfor three years.
is my reward.
Hold on a second, alright.
Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Okay, so this time I won't quit.
– No! Put it down.
– Alright! I'm putting it out.
I'm putting it out.
Oh, no! I, uh.
I can't drink this now.
Alright, I'm gonna go change.
I've got a date.
Is this Alan again?How's it goin'? It's going pretty good, you know.
It's nice and we're having fun.
So, when do we getto meet the guy? – 'Yeah?'- Let's see, today's Monday.
– Come on! No, no, not afterwhat happened with Steve.
What are you talking about?We love Steve.
Steve was sexy! – Sorry.
Look, I don't even knowhow I feel about him yet.
Just give me a chanceto figure that out.
Well, then can we meet him? No.
– And lamb chop.
– 'Ooh, lamb chop.
' How old is that sock? If I had a sock on myhand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Okay, I thinkit's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
Hey! Where's Joey? Joey ate my last stickof gum, so I killed him.
Do you think that was wrong? I think he's across the hall.
There you go.
Ooh, I'm alivewith pleasure now.
Hey, Pheebs, you gonna havethe rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs? Does anyone wantthe rest of this Pop-Tart? Hey, I might.
You know, those stupidsoda people gave me seven thousanddollars for the thumb.
– Oh, my God!- Seven thousand dollars? And on my way over here, I stepped in gum.
What is up with the universe? – What's goin' on?- Nothing.
I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.
– Uh, Joey.
– Oh, God! Okay.
– Oh, come on.
– That was lamb chop! Please, guys, we have to talk.
Wait, wait, I'm getting a Deja Vu.
No, I'm not.
Alright, we have to talk.
There it is! Okay.
It's, it's about Alan.
There's somethingthat you should know.
[sighs]Oh, man, there's reallyno easy way to say this, uh.
I've decided tobreak up with Alan.
[all sighs] Is there somebody else? No, no, no.
You know, things change.
We didn't change.
So that's it? It's over? Just like that? You know, you letyour guard down.
You know, you start toreally care about someone.
And I just.
Look, I, I couldgo on pretending– – Okay.
– 'No!' But that wouldn't be fair to me.
It wouldn't be fair to Alan.
– It wouldn't be fair to you.
– Yeah, well, who wants fair? I mean, I just want things back.
You know, the way they were.
– I'm sorry.
– Oh, she's sorry! I feel better.
I just can't believe this.
I mean, with theholidays coming up.
I wanted himto meet my family.
I'll meet someone else.
There'll be other Alans.
– No!- Oh, yeah, right.
– Are you guys gonna be okay?- Hey, hey, we'll be fine.
We're just gonnaneed a little time.
[sighs]Wow! I'm, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry too.
But, I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved.
Relieved? Yeah, well, I mean I had a great time with you.
I just can't stand your friends.
[instrumental music] (Joey).
95, 96, 97.
See, I told you.
Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
You got way too muchfree time.
Hey, there'sthe birthday boy.
Ross, check it out.
Hockey tickets, Rangers Penguins tonight at the Gardenand we're taking you.
Happy birthday, pal.
We love you, man.
[chuckles] That's funny.
My birthdaywas seven months ago.
So? So, I'm guessingyou had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which oneof you got to bring a date, huh? Well, aren't weMr.
The-glass-is-half-empty? Oh, my God.
Is today the 20th, October 20th? I was hopingyou wouldn't remember.
[groans] What's wrong with the 20th? Eleven days before Halloween.
all the good costumesare gone? Today's the dayCarol and I first.
You know what?I'd better pass on the game.
I think I'm just gonna go homeand think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
To hell with hockey.
Let's all do that.
Come on, Ross.
You, me, Joey ice, guys night out.
What do you say, big guy? Huh? Huh? Huh? – What are you doin'?- I have no idea.
Come on, Ross.
Maybe it willtake my mind off it.
You promise to buy mea big foam finger? – You got it.
My first paycheck.
[cheering] Look at the window.
There's my name! Hi, me! I remember the dayI got my first paycheck.
There was a cave-inin one of the mines.
And eight people were killed.
You worked in a mine? I worked ata Dairy Queen.
Why? God! Isn't this exciting?I earned this.
I wiped tables for it.
I steamed milk for it.
And it was totally.
not worth it.
Who's FICA?Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what? Chandler, look at that.
This is not that bad.
You're fine, yeah, for a first job.
You can totally, totally live on this.
' Hey, by the way, great service today.
– Oh!- Yeah! Terrific.
[instrumental music] Excuse me.
It says to call this number if you're notcompletely satisfied with this candy bar.
Well, I'm notcompletely satisfied.
Listen, it's kindof an emergency.
Well, I guess you'd know that or we'd be inthe predicament room.
[Chandler chuckles] Hold on.
Fill these out.
Sit over there.
Look, look, look, I don't wantto make any trouble, okay? But I'm in a lot of painhere, alright? My face is dented.
Well, you'll haveto wait your turn.
Well, how long do you thinkit'll be? Any minute now.
[scoffs] Hey, miss.
(Ross)I remember the moonlight coming inthrough the open window and her face hadthe most incredible glow.
Yes, the moon, the glow the magical feeling, you did this part.
Could I get some painkillersover here, please? He's right.
What is the big dealabout today? So you slept with herfor the first time.
So what? You slept with herfor seven years after that.
Look, it's justa little more complicated.
Well, what? What?What is it? That she left you, that she likes women that she left you for anotherwoman that likes women? A little louder, okay? I think, there's a man on the 12th floor in a coma who didn't quite hear you.
Then what? My first timewith Carol was.
[whispering]It was my first time.
What? It was my first.
With Carol? Oh.
So in your whole life you've only beenwith one.
Whoa, boy, hockey was a big mistake.
There's a whole bunch of stuffwe could have done tonight.
Man, can you believe he'sonly had sex with one woman? I think it's great.
You know, it's sweet, it's romantic.
– Really?- Nah.
You kiddin'? The guy's a freak.
I judge him.
– Hey!- 'Hey, buddy!' Huh? Huh? Oh.
Oh, I thought you were greatin “Silence of the Lambs.
” Oh, come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.
Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? Oh, ah, the kid has it.
[clears throat]Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.
I found it.
Finders keepers, losers weepers.
You gotta do it, man.
Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever.
Can't do it.
Listen, uh, gimme back my puck.
– Yes, how about— No.
– Come here.
(Sizemore)'Hey! Hey!No rough holding in my ER!' Give me my puck! Oh! Now that was fun.
[instrumental music] So, Saturday night, the big night.
Date night, Saturday night.
– No plans, huh?- Not a one.
Not even, say, breaking up with Janice? Oh, right, right.
Chandler, nobody likesbreaking up with someone.
– 'You just gotta do it'- No, I know.
But it's just so hard, y'know? I mean, you're sitting therewith her.
She has no ideawhat's happening.
And then you finally get upthe courage to do it and there's thathorrible awkward moment when you've handed herthe note and.
Uh, why do you have tobreak up with her? Be a man.
Just stop callin'.
You know, if-if you want, I'll do it with you.
Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're ganging up on her.
No, I mean, you break up with Janice.
– And I'll break up with Tony.
– 'Tony?' – You're breaking up with Tony?- Yeah.
I know he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore.
You know, I don't know ifit's me or his hunger strike or I don't know.
Does anybody want anything else? Oh, yeah, last week, you had a wonderful nutty chocolatey kind ofa cakey pie thing that.
What's the matter?Why so scrunchy? Oh, it's my father.
He wants to give mea Mercedes convertible.
That guy, he burns me up.
Yeah, well, it's a Mercedesif I move back home.
– Oh!- Ugh, it was horrible.
He called me young lady.
Ooh, I hate when my fathercalls me that.
Did he give you that whole “You're not up to this “again? Oh, yeah, yeah, actually I got the extended disco versionwith three choruses of “You'll never make iton your own.
” ♪ Uh-huh uh-huh Hi, Joey.
– Oh, my God.
Being dumped by youobviously agrees with her.
– Are you gonna go over?- No.
Okay, but not yet.
I don't wanna seem too eager.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi three Mississippi, that seems pretty cool.
Move! Oh, excuse-excuse me.
I was kind of usingthat machine.
Yeah, well, now you're kind of not.
But I-I saved it.
I put my basket on top.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your basket? – Yes.
– It's really pretty.
Unfortunately, I don't see suds.
What? No suds, no save, okay? – What's going on?- Hi, um, nothing.
This horrible womanjust took my machine.
Was your basket on top? – Yeah, but there were no suds.
– So? Well, you know, no suds, no save.
No suds, no.
Hold on a second.
This is my friend's machine.
Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
Hey, hey, hey, that's notthe rule and you know it.
Nothing to see here.
Let's do laundry.
– That was amazing.
I can't even send back soup.
Well, that's-that's because.
you're such a sweet, gentle, uh.
Um, uh, do you, uh.
Do you-oh! hey, you must need detergent.
Oh! – What's that?- “Überweiss.
” It's, uh, it's new.
It's extra tough.
Rach, do you, uh.
Are you gonna separate those? Oh, God.
Oh, am I beinglike a total laundry spazz? I mean, am I supposed to uselike one machine for shirts.
and another machine for pants? Have you, have younever done this before? Well, not myself but I wother people that have.
You caught me.
I'm a laundry virgin.
Uh, well, don't worry.
I'll use the gentle cycle.
Uh, basically, you wanna useone machine for all your whites.
– Okay? A whole other machinefor-for your colors.
And-and a third for, uh, your, uh .
and that would be your brasand your.
Okay, well, what about.
These are white cotton panties.
Would they go with whitesor with delicates? Uh, that-that.
That would be a judgment call.
Ta-da! Are we greeting each otrthis way now because I like that.
I cleaned! I did the windows.
I did the floors! I even used all thoseattachments on the vacuum except for that littleround one with the bristles I don't knowwhat that's for.
And we're not supposed to ask.
Well, what do you think? – Very clean.
– It's great! – Really, it looks great.
– Very clean.
Oh, I see you movedthe green ottoman.
H-how did that happen? I don't know.
I-I thougtit looked better there.
Also it's an extraseat around the coffee table.
Yeah, it's-it's interesting.
But you know what?Just for fun.
Let's see what itlooked like in the old spot.
Just to compare.
Well, it looksgood there too.
Let's just leave itthere for a while.
Can't believe you triedto move the green ottoman.
Thank God you didn't tryto fan out the magazines.
I mean, she'll scratchyour eyes right out.
Guys, I am not that bad.
Yeah, you are, Monica.
Remember when Ilived with you? You were like a little, you know.
[mimicking Psycho theme] That is so unfair.
Oh, come on.
When we were kids yours was the onlyRaggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy.
Okay, so I'm responsible.
But, hey, I can be a kook.
Alright, you madcap gal.
Try to imagine this.
The phone bill arrives but you don't pay itright away.
Why not? Because you're a 'kook'.
Instead, you waituntil they send you a notice.
I could do that.
Okay, okay, then youlet me go grocery shopping and I buylaundry detergent but it's not the onewith the easy-pour spout.
Why would someone do that? One might wonder.
Someone's lefta glass on the coffee table There's no coaster.
It'acold drink, it's a hot day.
Little beadsof condensation are inching their way closer and clrto the surface of the world.
Stop it! Oh, my God.
Who am I? Monica, you're mom.
[gasps] [mimicking Psycho theme] Uh-huh.
'Oh, my God!' Okay! Okay, I'll be there.
That was my agent.
My agenthas just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie! – What?- You're kidding! – What's the part?- Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reasonI became an actor.
[imitating Al Pacino]”I'm out of order? Pha.
” “You're out of order!” “This whole courtroom'sout of order!” Seriously, what-what's the part? “Just whenI thought I was out” “they pull me back in.
” Come on, seriously, Joey, what's the part? Uh.
what? I'm his butt double, ok? I play Al Pacino's butt.
Alright? He goes into the showe.
and then I'm his butt.
– Oh, my God.
– Come on, you guys.
This is a real movie and Al Pacino's in itand that's big.
Oh, no, it's terrific, it's, it's.
You know, you deserve it, after all your years of strugglingyou've finally been able to crack your wayinto show business.
Okay, fine, make jokes.
I don't care.
This is a bigbreak for me.
No, you're right, you're right, it is.
So, you gonna invite usall to the big opening? [laughing] [instrumental music] Look at it this way.
You dumped her! Right? I mean, this-thiswoman was unbelievably sexy and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable.
Tell me why you did this again.
– 'Hey!'- 'Hey!' Movie star! Hey.
Wait, a minute.
Aren't you the guywho plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? Nope.
No? What happened, big guy? 'Big guy'? It felt likea 'big guy' moment.
– I got fired!- Oh! Yeah, they saidI acted too much with it.
I told everybody about this.
Now everyone's gonna go to the theatre expecting to see me and- Joey, you know what?No one is gonna be able to tell.
My mom will.
Something so sweet and.
disturbing about that.
You know, I've done nothingbut crappy plays for six years.
and I finally getmy shot.
and I blow it! Wait a minute.
Maybe this wasn't your shot.
I-I thinkwhen it's your shot you know, you-you knowit's your shot.
did it feellike your shot? Hard to tell.
I was naked.
You know, I don'tthink this was your shot.
I mean, I don't even thinkyou just get 'one' shot.
I really believe big thingsare gonna happen for you.
I do! And you've gottajust keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go.
“I got the part!I got the part!” “I'm gonna beJoey Tribbiani's ass!” You think?That's so nice.
– Aw, come on.
– Come here.
I'm sorry, Joey.
I'm gonna go to bed, guys.
– Good night.
– Good night, Monica.
Uh, Mon, you, you're goaleave your shoes out here? Uh-huh.
Really? Just-justcasually strewn about in that reckless, haphazard manner? Doesn't matter.
I'll get them tomorrow.
Or- not! Whenever.
She is a kook.
[instrumental music] (Rachel)'Okay, come on, somebody, somebody.
' (Monica)'Alright, I'll go, I'll go.
Okay, um, senior yearof college on a pool table.
– Ooh-hoo-hoo!- Pool table! That's my sister.
My weirdest placewould have to be.
the women's roomon the second floor of the New York Citypublic library.
Oh, my God.
What were you doingin a library? Hey, Pheebs, what about you? Oh, um, Milwaukee.
Uh, Ross? [clears throat]Disneyland, 1989.
“It's a small worldafter all.
” No way.
Yeah, the, uh, the ride broke down so Carol and I went behda couple of those mechanical Dutch children.
Then they fixed the ride and we were asked never toreturn to the Magic Kingdom.
Ooh, Rachel? Oh, come on, I already went.
'- You did not go! – Yes, I did.
– 'Come on tell us!' – Come on.
– Come on.
the weirdest placewould have to be.
the foot of the bed.
– Step back.
– We have a winner! I've just never.
had a relationship with that kind of passiony'know? Where-where you have to have somebody right there, in the middleof a themepark.
Well, it was the only thingto do there that didn't have a line.
Alright, well, see, I mean.
Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature-golf course.
– Come on.
He said we were “holding upthe people behind us.
” And you didn't marryhim, because? I mean, do you think.
there are peoplethat go through life never having that kind of .
? – Probably.
– Really? Well, you know, I'll tell you something.
Passion is way overrated.
– Yeah, right.
– It is.
Uh, eventually, it kind of burns out.
But hopefully, what you're left with is trust.
and security and, uh.
well, in the caseof my ex-wife, lesbianism.
So, you know, for all thosepeople who miss out on that, uh, passion thing.
there's all thatother good stuff.
But, um, but I don't thkthat's gonna be you.
– You don't?- Mm.
See, I see, uh.
big passion in your future.
– Really?- Hmm.
– You do?- I do.
Oh, Ross, you're so great.
It's never gonna happen.
– What?- You and Rachel.
[chuckles] [mumbling] Why not? Because you waited too longto make your move.
and now you're inthe “friend zone”.
No, no, no.
I'm not in the zone.
You're mayor of the zone! Look, I'm taking my time, alright? I'm-I'm-I'm layingthe groundwork.
Yeah, I mean, every day I get just a little bitcloser to, uh– Priesthood! Ross, I'm telling you, sheno idea, what you're thinking And if you don't askher out soon.
you're gonna end upstuck in the zone forever See, I'm waitingfor the, uh, the right moment.
[sighs] What? – What, now?- Yeah.
What's messing you up?The wine? The candles?The moonlight? Huh? You just gotta go up torand you gotta say – “Look, Rachel, I think- “- Shh-shh.
– What are we shushing? We're shushing.
becausetrying to-to hear something.
– What? What?- Uh, don't you hear that? Ah.
– See?- Huh.
♪ New York City has no power ♪ And the milk is getting sour ♪ ♪ But to me it is not scary ♪ 'Cause I stay awayfrom dairy ♪ ♪ La la la la – Okay.
– You're gonna do it? – I'm gonna do it.
– You want me to help? You come out there, you're a dead man.
Good luck, man.
– Hey, where are you going?- Outside.
No-no, you-you can't goout there.
– Why not?- Because of, uh, the reason.
– And that would be?- I, uh, I can't tell you Joey, what's going on? Okay, listen, you gottapromise you'll never, ever tellRoss that I told you.
About what? He's planningyour birthday party.
– Oh, my God.
I love him.
– You better act surprised.
– About what?- My surprise party.
– What surprise party?- Oh, stop it.
Joey already told me.
Well, he didn't tell me.
Hey, don't look at me.
This is Ross' thing.
This is so typical.
I'm alwaysthe last one to know everything.
No, you are not.
We tell you stuff.
Uh-huh, I was the last one to know When Chandler got bitby the peacock at the zoo.
I was the last to know, when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.
Well, it looks likeI was second to last.
It's so nice.
Hey, I have a question.
Well, uh, actually, it's notso much a question.
it's moreof a-a general wondering.
Uh, here goes.
Um, well, for a while now, I've been wanting.
– Yes, yes, that's.
– Look at that little cat.
– That's right.
What? [screaming] ♪ I'm on the top of the world looking ♪ ♪ down on creation ♪ And the only explanationI can find ♪ ♪ Is the love that I found ♪ Ever sinceyou've been around.
♪ Alright, this is just Bactine.
It won't hurt.
Ow! Ow! Sorry, that was wax.
poor little Tootieis scared to death.
We should find his owner.
Why don't we just putthe poor little “Tootie” out in the hall? During a blackout?She'll get trampled.
[instrumental music] Hey, gorgeous.
How's it going? Dehydrated Japanese noodlesunder fluorescent lights.
Does it get better than this? Question, you're notdating anybody, are you? Because I met somebodywho would be perfect for you.
Ah, you see, perfectmight be a problem.
Had you said, co-dependentor self-destructive.
– Do you want a date, Saturday?- Yes, please.
He is cute, he's funny, – – He's a “he”?- Well, yeah.
you're not, so.
I'm just gonna go flushmyself down the toilet now.
(Chandler)It's hard to enjoy cupof ramen noodles after that.
I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe sheactually thought that? Um.
Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know I thought maybe.
Possibly you might be.
– You did?- Yeah, but then.
But then you spent Phoebe'sentire birthday party talking to my breasts so then I figuredmaybe not.
Huh, did uh.
any of therest of you guys think that when you first met me? – I did.
– Yeah, I think so, yeah.
– Not me.
– No, no, me neither.
Although, uh, you know, back in college, Susan Salid.
– Did you tell her I was.
Well, it's just 'cause uh.
I wanted to go out with her too.
So I told her, actually you were seeingBernie Spellman who also liked her, so.
Well, this is fascinating.
So, uh, what is it about me? I don't know.
'cause you're smart, you're funny– Ross is smart and funny.
You ever think that about him? Yeah! Right! What is it? [laughing] Okay, I-I don't know.
you havea quality.
– Yes, right.
Yeah, a quality.
Oh, oh, a quality, good.
Because I was worriedyou guys were gonna be vague about this.
[instrumental music] How we doing?You guys ready? So, mom alreadycalled this morning to remind me not towear my hair up.
Did you know my earswere not my best feature? Some days it's allI can think about.
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find my bearings.
Oh, you-you mean your earrings? What did I say? [Rachel clears throat] – Are these the shoes?- Yes.
Paolo sent them from It.
We don't have shoes here? Morning, are we ready to go? Well, don't we look niceall dressed up.
It's stuff like that, isn't it? [instrumental music] [dramatic music] (Monica)It was reallya beautiful service.
It really was.
Oh, come here, sweetheart.
You know I think it might be timeyou to start using night cream.
– What?- Nothing, nothing.
Just your overcoat soundsremarkably like Brent Musburger.
Check it out.
You're watchinga football game at a funeral.
No, it's the pre-game.
I'm gonna watch itat the reception.
You're a frightening, frightening man.
My new Paolo shoes.
Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
God, what a great day.
I know, yeah.
the air, the trees.
Even though Nana's gonethere's-there's something almost uh, I don't know, almost li– – Ross!- Oh, Ross, are you okay? – I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm just-just having my worst fear realized.
[instrumental music] Excuse me, sir.
You come in hereall the time.
I was just wondering, do youthink there's a possibility that you could give me nadvance on my tips? Huh? No.
That's fine, fine.
Hey, I'm sorryabout that spill.
50 to go.
Ross, did you knowthat mom and dad are going to Puerto Ricofor Thanksgiving? What? No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
The Blymans invited them.
I am not wrong.
No, I just talked to them.
I'm calling mom.
– Hey, hey.
'And this fromthe cry-for-help department' are you wearing make-up? Yes, I am.
As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani.
That's so funny, 'cause I wasthinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani.
man/woman What were you modeling for? Oh, you know those postersfor the city free clinic? Oh, wow, so you're gonnaone of those “healthy, healthy, healthy” guys? You know, the asthma guy isreally cute.
Do you knowwhich one you're gonna be? No, but I hear Lyme diseaseis open, so, you know? Good luck, man.
I hope you get it.
Well, you were right.
How can theydo this to us, huh? – It's Thanksgiving.
– Oh, okay.
I'll tell you what.
How about if Icook dinner at my place? I'll make itjust like mom's.
Will you make the mashedpotatoes with the lumps? You know they're not actuallysupposed to h– I'll work on the lumps! Joey, you'regoing home, right? Yeah.
And I assume, Chandler, you're still boycotting allthe pilgrim holidays.
Yes, every single one of them.
And Phoebe, you're gonna bewith your grandma? Yeah, and-and her boyfriend, but we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December'cause he's lunar.
S-So you're freeThursday, then? – Yeah.
Oh, can I come?- Yeah.
Rach, are you still thinking you're gonna make it to Vail? Absolutely.
Shoop, shoop, shoop.
Only $102 to go.
I thought it was $98.
Yeah, well, it was, but I-I broke a cup.
Well, I'm off to Carol's.
Why don'twe invite her? Ooh, Ooh becauseshe's my ex-wife and will probably wantto bring her ooh, ooh lesbian life partner.
first saw thegiant dog shadow fall overthe park Yeah, but did they haveto shoot him down? I mean that was just mean.
Okay, right about now the turkey should be crispyon the outside juicy on the inside.
Why are we standing here? We're waiting for youto open the door.
You've got the keys.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
When we left, you said, “got the keys.
” No, I didn't.
I asked, “got the keys█ No, no, no, you said, “got the keys.
“█ Either of youhave the keys?█ The oven is on! Oh, I've got to get my ticket! Oh, wait, wait.
We have a copy of your key.
Well, then get it! Get it! Hey, hey, that tone wontmake me go any faster.
– That one will.
[instrumental music] Nope, not that one.
Can you go any fasterwith that? Hey, I got one key holeand about a zillion keys.
You do the math.
Why do you guys have so manykeys in there anyway? For an emergencyjust like this.
Alright, listen, smirky, if it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a womando this right now but I'm not.
I swear you saidyou had the keys! No, I didn't! I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys.
And I obviously did nothave the keys! Oh, okay, alright.
Enough with the keys.
– Why would I have the keys?- Oh.
Aside from the fact thatyou said you had them? – But I didn't.
– Well, you should have.
– 'Why?'- 'Because.
' – 'Why?'- 'Because.
' Why? Because everythingis my responsibility? Is that-isn't it enoughthat I'm making Thanksgiving dinnerfor everyone? You know, everyone wantsa different kind of potato.
So I'm makingdifferent kinds of potatoes! I mean, does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? No! No! No! You know, just as long Phoebegets her peas and onions and Mario gets his tots and.
It's my first Thanksgiving!and I.
It's all burned! and.
[sobbing] Okay, Monica, only dogscan hear you now.
Look, the door's open.
Here we go.
turkey's burnt! Potatoes are ruined.
Potatoes are ruined.
Potatoes are ruined.
♪ Here we come ♪ Walkin' down the.
This doesn't smelllike mom's.
No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? Well, here you go, buddy.
You got one! Oh, God, this is great! The plane is gone, so I guessI'm stuck here with you guys! Hey, we allhad better plans, okay? This was nobody'sfirst choice.
Oh, really? So why was I bustingmy ass to make this deliciousThanksgiving dinner?! You call that delicious? [indistinct chatter] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Now, this feelslike Thanksgiving.
[instrumental music] Guys, there's, uh, somebodyI'd like you to meet.
[gasping] Wait, wait.
What is that? “That” would be Marcel.
– You wanna say hi?- No! No, I don't.
Oh, he is precious!Where did you get him? My friend Bethelrescued him from some lab.
That is so cruel.
Why? Why would a parentname their child Bethel? Hey, that monkey's gota Ross on his ass.
Ross, is-is he gonna live withyou, like, in your apartment? Yeah, I mean, it's been kind ofquiet since Carol left, so.
And why don't you justget a roommate? Nah.
I don't know.
I think you reach a certain age having a roommateis just kind of pathe— Uh, sorry, that's-that's, pathet which is Sanskrit for”really cool way to live”.
[instrumental music] (Ross)Come here, Marcel.
Pheebs, I can't believehe hasn't kissed you yet.
I mean, God, by mysixth date with Paolo I mean he'd alreadynamed both my breasts.
Oh, did-did Ijust share too much? Just a smidge.
David's, like, you know, a scientist guy.
He's very methodical.
– I think it's romantic.
– Me too! Oh.
Did you ever see”An Officer and a Gentleman”? (together)Yeah.
Well, he's kind of like the guy I went to see that with.
Except he-he's smarterand gentler and sweeter.
I just, I just wanna bewith him all the time.
You know, day and night.
And night and day.
And special occasions.
Wait a minute.
I see where this is going.
You're gonna askhim to New Year's, arent you? You're gonna break the pact.
She's gonna break the pact.
No, no, no.
Yeah, could I just.
[gasping] Yeah, 'cause Ialready asked Janice.
– 'Oh!'- Chandler!- What? Come on, this was a pact!This was your pact! I snapped, okay? I couldn't handlethe pressure and I snapped! Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like theworst breakup in history.
I'm not sayingit was a good idea.
I'm saying I snapped.
Hi, hey, hi, sorry I'm late.
[chuckles] Too many jokes.
Must mock Joey.
Nice shoes, huh? [bells jingling] God, you're killing me.
Oh, Ross! He's playingwith my spatulas again! Look, he's not gonnahurt them, right? Do you always haveto bring him here? But.
Look, I didn't wannaleave him alone.
Alright? We-we had our first fight this morning.
I think it has to dowith my working late.
I said some thingsthat I didn't mean and.
he threw some feces.
You know, if you'regonna work late I can look in on him for you.
Oh, that would be great! But if you do make sureit seems like you're there to see him.
Okay? And you're not, like, doing it as a favor to me.
But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
[instrumental music] Hey, guys, I'm doingall new material tonight.
I have 12 new songsabout my mother's suicide.
and one about a snowman.
Might wanna openwith the snowman.
– Hey, Joey.
– Hey, Joey.
– Hey, buddy.
– Hey, Jo.
So how'd it go? Uh, I didn't get the job.
How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
I don't know, some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager.
He's not even jolly.
It's all political.
So what are you gonna be? Uh, I'm gonna beone of his helpers.
It's just such a slapin the face, you know? Hey, do you guys know whatyou're doing for New Years? [indistinct chatter] Gee! what?What is wrong with New Years? Well, nothing for you.
You have Paolo.
You don't have to facethe horrible pressures of this holiday.
Desperate scramble tofind anything with lips just so you can have somebodyto kiss when the ball drops – Man, I'm talking loud! Well, for your information Paolo's gonna be in Romethis New Year's.
So I'll be just as patheticas the rest of you.
Yeah, you wish.
Just that I'm sick of bavictim this Dick Clark Holiday.
I say this year, no dates, we make a pact.
Just the six of us.
We'll do that.
You know, I was hoping fora little more enthusiasm.
[cheering] Okay, Phoebe, you're on.
Oh, oh, good.
Ladies and gentlemenback by popular demand.
Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Wooo! [applauding] Hi.
Uh, ahem, I wannastart with a song that means a lot to methis time of year.
♪ I made a manwith eyes of coal ♪ ♪ And a smile so bewitchin' ♪ How was I supposed to ♪ That my mom was deadin the kitchen ♪ ♪ La la la la la.
♪ My mother's ashes ♪ Even her eyelashes ♪ Are resting ina little yellow jar ♪ ♪ And sometimeswhen it's freezing ♪[indistinct chatter] ♪ I feel a little sneezyand now I.
♪[indistinct chatter] Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys.
Is it something that you wouldto share with the entire group? No, no, that's-that's o.
Well, come on, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing.
Then, I assume it'simportant enough for everyone else to he.
That guy's goinghome with a note.
[clears throat]Nothin', I was, I was just saying– – Could you speak up, p?- Sorry.
I was just saying friendthat I thought you were the mostbeautiful woman that I'd ever seenin-in my life.
And then, he said that, you-you said you thought – Daryl Hannah- Daryl Hannah was the most, uh, beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life.
And I said, “Yeah, I lirin Splash a lot “but not so muchin-in Wall Street.
I thought she had a.
'And, uh, and, uh, well, Daryl Hannah' is beautiful ina conventional way you are, uh, luminouswith a kind of delicate grace.
Then, uh, that-that-that'swhen you started yelling.
Okay, we're gonnatake a short break.
I think that guy's goinghome with more than a note.
Do you think they haveyesterday's”Daily News?” Why? I just wantto check my horoscope to see if it was right.
Oh, my God, Phoebe.
Don't look now but behind you, there is a guy who has the potentialto break our hearts and plunge usinto a pit of depression.
Where? Oh, come to mama.
Be cool, be cool.
– Nice hat.
– (Both) Thanks.
– We should do something.
– We are not going to w.
– Yeah, come on.
– No! No!- Do it! Do it! Do it! ! Whoa-whoa! [siren blaring] [tires screech] [thud] Oh! I can't believeyou did that! [instrumental music] (Monica)'Why did I whoo-hoo?' I mean, what was Ihoping would happen? That-that he'dturn around and say “Ooh.
I love that sound, I must have you now?” I just wish there was something we could do.
Hello, coma guy.
Get up, you Girl Scout!Up! Up! Up! Phoebe, what are you doing? Maybe nobody's tried this.
I wish we at least knew his nam.
'Would you look at that' I mean, even sleeping, he-he looks smart.
I bet he's a lawyer.
Yeah, but did you seethe dents in his knuckl? – That means he's artistic.
He's a lawyer who teachessculpting on the side.
– And he can dance.
– Oh! Yeah, he's the kind of of guy when you're talking, he's listening you know, and not saying”Yeah, I understand” but really wonderingwhat you look like naked.
Oh, definitely! I wish all guyscould be like him.
Going to the hospital tonight? No.
You? You just asked me.
Okay, maybeit was a trick question.
Um, Rachel, can we do this now? Okay.
[chuckling]I am so hot! And, uh, here's a pictueof my mother and father on their wedding day.
Now, you tell meshe's not a knockout.
I cannot believewe're having this conversation.
Come on! Just try to picturenot pregnant.
Central Perk is proudto present Ms.
Phoebe Buffay! [cheering] (Phoebe)'Thanks.
Um, ahem, okay.
I'd like to start with a song that's about a manthat I recently met who's, um, come to bevery important to me.
♪ You don't have tobe awake to be my man ♪ ♪ Long as you have brainwaves ♪ I'll be thereto hold your hand ♪ ♪ Though we just met theday there's something ♪ ♪ I have got to say Okay.
Thank you very muhI'm going to take a short break.
You're sexy – Oh, right.
– Listen to me, kiddo.
You're going to be fine.
I'll just pee in the street.
[knock on door] – Hey, is Chandler here?- Yeah.
Okay, come here.
Okay, uh, about last night.
You didn't tell.
Okay, 'cause I'm thinkingwe don't need to tell Chandler I mean, it was just a kiss right? One kiss, no big deal.
Right? – Right, no big deal.
In bizarro world! – You broke the code.
– What code? You don't kissyour friend's mom.
Sisters are okay.
maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom.
Never a mom! [screams] What are you guysdoing out here? Uh, well, Joeyand I had discussed getting in an early-morningracquetball game.
But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Yeah, well, you don't have your racquet.
No, no, I don't becauseit's being restrung.
Somebody was supposedto bring me one.
Well, you didn't calland leave your grip size.
You guys spend a waytoo much time together.
Okay, I'm scum.
I'm scum! Ross, how could youlet this happen? I don't know.
Well, it's not likeshe's a regular mom, y'know? She's-she's sexy.
You don't think my mom's sexy? – Well, not in the same way.
– Hey! I'll have you knowthat Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome womanin her day, alright? You think it's easy givingbirth to seven children? Huh? Okay, I think we're gettinginto a weird area here.
What are you guysdoing out here? Well, n-not playing racquetball! He forgot to leavehis grip size.
– He didn't get the goggles.
sounds likeyou two have issues.
– Bye, baby.
– Ciao, bella.
Do they wait for me to do this? – So are you gonna tell?- No, I'm not going to tell him.
Why would I tell him? How about 'cause if you, his mother might.
– What are you guys doing here? Uh.
he's not evenwearing a jock strap.
What did I ask? – Oh, my God.
– You're my friend.
I, I had to tell you.
I can't believe it.
Paolo kissed my mom? Yeah, I mean, uh, I-I dont know if you noticedbut he had a lot to drink.
You know, I mean, you kknowhow he gets when he's druu– I can't do this.
I did it.
It was me.
– I kissed your mom.
– What? I.
I was really upsetabout Rachel and Paolo and I think I had too muchtequila and Nora, um.
Mom, your Bing, was uh.
She was just being nice, you know, and-and.
But nothing happened.
– Joey, uh, he came in.
– You knew about this? Uh, you know, knowledgeis a tricky thing, uhh.
I spent the entire day with you.
Why didn't you tell me? Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knowswhat would have happened? Thanks, man.
I can't believe this.
What the hell were you thinking? I wasn't.
I-I don't know.
You know, of all my friends, no one knows the crap I go through with my mommore than you.
– I know.
I— I can't believe you did this! – Chandler.
– Me neither, you know– I'm still mad at youfor not telling me.
– Why you mad at me? Let me slam the door! Chandler, well, I didn't kiss her.
He did! See what happenswhen you break the code? – Joey.
Aunt Syl, stop yelling.
All I'm saying is, if you had told me vegetarian lasagnaI would have made vegetarian lasagna.
Well, the-the meat'sonly every third layer.
May-maybe you could scrape.
Ross, did you really read all these baby books? Yep, you could plunk men in the middle ofany woman's uterus no compass.
and I could find my wayout of there like [snaps] that.
Ooh, this is cool.
It says, “In some partsof the world “people actually eatthe placenta.
” And we're donewith the yogurt.
Aunt Syl, I did thisas a favor.
I am not a caterer.
What do you want me to dowith a dozen lasagnas? Nice talk, Aunt Syl.
You kiss Uncle Freddiewith that mouth? Hey, Ross.
Do you knowthat right now your babyis only this big? This is your baby.
How come you don'tlive with mommy? How come mommy liveswith that other lady? What's a lesbian? [speaking in Italian] Honey, you can say it.
It's like poke-a-nose.
(together)Blah, blah, blah.
So did I hear Poconos? Yes, my sister's giving usher place for the weekend.
First weekend away together – Yeah, that's a big step.
– 'I know.
' Oh, it's just a weekend.
Wasn't this just supposedto be a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be.
flung by now? I mean, we are way pastthe fling thing.
I mean, I am feeling thingsthat I've only read about in Danielle Steel books, you know? I mean, when I'm with h, I'm just totally, total.
What am I supposed to d?Call immigration? I could call immigratio.
I think it's the most beautifultable I've ever seen.
– I know.
– So how does this work? You're gonna balance the plateson these little guys' heads? Who cares?We'll eat at the sink.
Heads up, Ross.
Score! You suck.
Are you okay? I need some milk.
I've got milk.
Here you go.
Oh, I feel so stupid!█ Oh, I think aboutthe other day with you guys you know and I was all, “Oh, Paolo, he's so great!” “He makes me feel so.
” Oh! God.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm the one he hit on.
Phoebe, I unleashed him, if I had never met him this would havenever happened to you.
(together)I'm so sorry.
– No Phoebe, I'm sorry.
– No, I'm sorry.
– No, I'm sorry!- No, I'm sorry! Oh, wait.
what are we sorry ab? I don't know.
– He's the pig.
– Such a pig.
– Oh, God, he's such a pig!- Oh, he's like a– He's like a big, disgusting pig.
– Yeah, like a.
Oh, but he was my pig man.
How did I not see this? Oh, I know! Because he's gorgeous and he's charming.
And when helooks at you– – Okay, okay, Pheebs.
– Oh, the end.
Should I nothave told you? No.
No, trust me.
It's-it's-it's much betterthat I know.
Uh, I just liked it betterbefore it was better.
[instrumental music] I think she took itpretty well.
You know, Paolo's over thereright now, so.
We should get over thereand see if she's okay.
– What? Oh.
– Just one.
– Come on, Pheebs.
– Ah, ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.
No, no, she kickedour butts.
You could be on the Olympicstanding-there team.
Come on, two on one.
What are youstill doing here? She just broke upwith the guy.
It's time for youto swoop in.
– What? Now?- Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure thatwhen Paolo walks out of there the first guyRachel sees is you.
She's got to know thatyou're everything he's not! You're like-likethe Anti-Paolo.
My Catholic friend is right.
You're there for her.
You pick up the pieces, and then, you usher in.
the age of Ross.
[screaming] (Chandler)'I'm sorry.
' That is it!You just barge in here! – You don't knock!- I'm sorry! You have no respectfor anybody's privacy.
– Rachel, wait, wait.
– No, you wait.
– This is ridiculous— Can I just say one thing? What?! What?! That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your.
[gasps] [indistinct] Okay.
You guys wantanything else? Oh, yes, could I haveone of those– No, I'm sorry.
We're all out of those.
– Anybody else?- Okay.
Did I, uh, did I misssomething between– No.
She's still upsetbecause I saw her boobies.
Well, what? What-what whenyou doing seeing her boobies? It was an accident, it's notlike I was across the street with a telescopeand a box of doughnuts.
[laughter] Okay, okay.
Can we changethe subject, please? Yeah, 'cause, hello, these are not her 'boobies'.
These are her breasts.
I was hopingfor more of a change.
You know, I don't knowwhy you're so embarrassed.
They were very nice boobies! “Nice”? They were nice? I mean, that's it?I mean, mittens are nice.
you're so funny.
He's really funny.
I wouldn't want to be tewhen-when the laughter stops.
Back up there, sparky.
What did you mean by that? Well, it just seemsas though that maybe you haveintimacy issues, y'know.
that you use your humoras a way of.
keeping people at a distance.
– I mean, hey.
I just met you.
I don't know you from Adam.
Only child, right? Parents divorcedbefore you hit puberty.
How did you know that? It's textbook.
– Hey, you guys.
– Hey, Joe.
– You all know my dad.
– Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, how long you in the city? Just for a couple of days.
I got a job Midtown.
I figured I'm better offstaying with the kid than hauling my assback and forth on a ferry.
I don't know this one.
– Oh, this is my friend, Roger.
– Good to meet you, Rog.
– 'You too, sir.
' What happenedto the, uh, puppet guy? Dad.
So, Ross, uh, how's the wife? [moans] 0 for two, huh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny.
I got to go.
[laughs]Miss you too.
I love you, but it's gettingreal late now– – Let me say hi.
– Oh, wha-no wait– Hey, ma, listen.
I made the appointmentwith Dr.
Excuse me? Did you know this isn't ma? Her name's Ronni.
She's a pet mortician.
So, how long you been.
Remember when you werea little kid, I used take you to the navy yardand show you the big ships? Since then? No.
It's only been six years.
I just wanted to puta nice memory in your head so you'd know I wasn'talways such a terrible guy.
Joe, you ever been in love? I don't know.
Then you haven't.
You're burning your tomatoes.
[chuckles]You're one to talk.
Joe, your dad's in lovebig time and the worst part of is.
it's with two different women.
Oh, man, please tellme one of them is ma.
Of course, of course, one of them's ma.
What's the matter with you? It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dadwas leading this double life.
He's, like, actuallysome spy working for the CIA That would be cool.
This blows! Yeah.
I mean, why can'tparents just stay parents? You know, why do theyhave to become people? Why do they have.
can't you stop starigat my breasts? What? What? Did you not get a good enoughlook the other day? Alright, alright.
We're all adults here.
There's onlyone way to resolve this.
Since you sawher boobies, I think, uh you're going to haveto show her your pee-pee.
You know, I don'tsee that happening.
Tit for tat.
Well, I'm notshowing you my “tat”.
How do I look? Oh, um.
I don't care.
Okay, now remember, no trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
– Hi, Joey.
Look what you brought.
And what did you bring? She's checking her coat.
Joey, I'm going to go washthe cab smell off my hands Will you get mea White Zinfandel and a glass of redfor Janice.
Janice? Oh my God.
Hey, it's [mumbling] Janice.
ever since I was little I've been ableto pick up quarters with my toes.
Yeah? Good for you.
Uh, quartersor rolls of quarters? By the way, Chandler I cut you outof all my pictures so if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of themand you could use them in your theater of cruelty! We can't do that.
What? What can't you do? Uh, can I talk to youfor a second, over there? Uh.
We might be leaving now.
Tell me it's you and me, “we” She said she wants to slathermy body with stuff and then lick it off.
I'm not even surewhat “slathering” is.
But I definitely wantto be a part of it.
Okay, you cannot do this to me.
Uh, can we have threechocolate mousses to go, please? I'm out of here.
here's my credit card.
Dinner's on me.
I'm sorry, Chandler.
I hope she throws up on you.
Oh, what a crappy night.
Although, I have enjoyed the fact that your shirt's beensticking out of your zipper.
ever since you came backfrom the bathroom.
How you doing? So.
do we have the best friendsor what? Joey's not a friend.
a stupid manwho left us his credit card.
Another drink?Some dessert? A big screen TV? I will go for that drink.
You got it.
Good woman! [snaps] Can we get a bottle of mostoverpriced champagne? – Each.
– That's right, each.
Oh, and a Rob Roy.
I've always wanted to know.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Roger was creepy, but he wasnothing compared to Pete Carney Which one was Pete Carney? “Pete the Weeper”? Remember the guythat used to cry every time we had sex? [fake crying] “Uh, was it good for you?” Yeah, well, I'd takea little crying any day over Howard the “I win” guy.
“I win, I win.
” I went out with the guyfor two months.
I didn't get to win onc.
How do we end upwith these jerks? We're good people.
I don't know, maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
I know I am.
That's why I can't weara digital watch.
There's more beer, right? Oh! You know my friend Abbywho shaves her head? She says thatif you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle you can do, like, a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this womanis voluntarily bald.
So, we can do ittomorrow night, you guy.
It's Valentine's Day.
Well, what kind of ritual? Okay, we can um.
we can burn the stuffthey gave us.
Or? Or, or we can chant and dance around naked.
You know, with sticks.
– Burning is good.
– Burning is good, yeah.
I got stuff to burn.
(Phoebe)Okay, so nowwe need sage branches and the sacramental wine.
All I had is-is oreganoand a Fresca.
that's okay! Ooh.
Alright, now we needthe semen of a righteous man.
Okay, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
– Can we just startthrowing things in?- Um.
Yeah, okay! Oh.
Okay, Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer sho.
Oh, and I have the recetfrom my dinner with Nokulule Oon [tongue click] Ah .
Here's a pictureof Scotty Jared naked.
– Let me see.
He's wearing a sweater.
Okay and here we havethe last of Paolo's grappa! Wait, Rachel, isn't that almost pure.
[instrumental music] Hey, you guys, you guys, Chandler's coming.
And he says he has like, this incredible news.
So when he comes, let's allact like, you know– – Hey.
– Okay, never mind.
But it was gonnabe really good.
– What's going on?- What's up? So, it's a typicalday at work.
I'm in putting my numbers, and Big Al calls me into his office and tells me, he wants to makeme “processing supervisor” – That is great!- Congratulations.
– What? Why?- Why? Why? This was supposedto be a temp job! Yeah, Chandler, you've beenthere for five years.
But, if I took this promotionit'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do! So, is it a lotmore money? It doesn't matter, I just don'twanna be one of those guys that's in his officeuntil 12 o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
the “WENUS”? Weekly EstimatedNet Usage Systems.
It's a processing term.
So, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
That's the thing.
I don't know what I wanna do.
I just know I'm not gonafigure it out working there.
Oh! I have somethingyou can do.
I have thisnew massage client, Steve.
he's opening upa restaurant and he's lookingfor a head chef.
Oh, yeah, I know, I know, you're a chef.
I know andI thought of you first.
But, um, Chandler's the onewho needs a job right now.
Yeah, I just don't havea lot of cheffing experience.
Unless it'san all-toast restaurant.
What kind of foodis he looking for? Well, he wants to dosomething eclectic.
So he's lookingfor someone who can createthe entire menu.
– Oh, my God!- Yeah, I know.
So, what do you think? Thanks, Phoebe, I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
Oh, Monica, guess what!? [instrumental music] “Vulva”? Alright.
she took meby surprise, you know.
But, it wasn't a total loss.
I mean, uh, we ended up cuddling.
Whoa, you cuddled? How many times? Shut up.
It was nice.
I just don't think I'm the dirty-talkingkind of guy, you know? What's the big deal? You justsay what you want to do to her and what you wanther to do to you and what you thinkother people might be doing to each other.
I tell you what.
Try something on me.
Please be kidding.
Why not? Come on.
justclose your eyes and tell mewhat you'd like to be doing right now.
I'm in my apartment.
what else?- That's it.
I'm in my apartment.
You're not there.
We're not havingthis conversation.
Alright, look, I'll start, okay? – Joey, please.
– C'mon, c'mon, alright.
You get me so hot.
I want your lips on me now.
– Huh?- Hmm.
Now you say something.
I, uh, I reallydon't think so.
-C'mon, you like thiswoman, right?- Well, yeah.
– You want to seeher again, right?- Sure.
Well, if you can't talkdirty to me how you gonnatalk dirty to her? Now, tell me you wantto caress my butt! Okay.
I just don't want you staringat me when I'm doing this.
I'm not looking.
Go ahead Okay.
[clearing throat] I want.
Okay, I-I wanna.
hot, soft skinwith my lips.
There you go! Keep going.
I wanna takemy tongue, and.
Say it! Run it all over your bodyuntil you're.
? Funny story.
You're not gonnabelieve this.
It's okay, it's okay, I was always rooting for you two kidsto get together.
Hey, Pheebs, guess whowe saw today.
Ooh! Oh, fun! Okay.
– Um, Liam Neeson?- No.
– Morley Safer?- Nope.
– The woman who cuts my hair?- No.
Look, this could bea really long game.
– Your sister, Ursula.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
She works overat that place, uh– – Riff's.
Yeah, I know.
– Oh, you do? Because she said you guyshaven't talked in like, years.
So, um, is she fat? Not from where I was standing.
Where were you standing? Uh, Pheebs, so you-you guysjust don't get along? [sighs]It's mostly justdumb sister stuff.
I mean, like everyonealways thought of her as the pretty one, you know, and.
Oh! Oh! She was the first oneto start walking even though I did it later that same day.
But to my parents by thenit was like “Yeah, right.
W-what else is new?” Oh! Pheebs, I'm sorry.
I've got to go.
I've, I've got Lamaze class.
Oh, and I've gotearth science but I'll catch you in gym? [sighs]So, is this just gonnabe you and Carol? No.
Susan's goingto be there too.
We've got dads, we've got lesbians.
The whole parenting team.
Well, isn't, isn't thatgoing to be weird? No, no.
I mean, it might've beenat first, but by now I-I think I'm pretty comfortablewith the whole situation.
– Ross, that's my jacket.
– I know.
[instrumental music] Hi.
We're the Rostins.
And he's Michael.
And we're having a boyand a girl.
[chuckles]Good for you.
Next? Hi, um, I'm, uh.
[clears throat] I'm Ross Gellerand, uh that's, that'smy boy in there.
[chuckles] And this isCarol Willick and this.
is Susan Bunch.
Susan is, um, Carol's.
[mumbles] [chuckles] – Um— Who's next? I'm sorry.
I didn't get.
Susan's Carol's, Carol's, Carol's friend.
– Life partner.
– Like buddies.
You know how closewomen can get.
Susan and Ilive together.
Although I wasmarried to her.
– Carol, not me.
– Uh, right.
– It's a little complicated.
– A little.
– But we're fine.
So twins? That's, like, two births.
Ouch! It's not just thatshe's cute, okay? It's just that.
she's really, really cute.
It doesn't matter.
You don't dip your pen in the company ink.
[squeaking] Ross, your little creature's got the remote again.
Marcel, Marcel, give Rossy the remote.
(man on TV)He meant to take.
Marcel, you give Rossythe remote right now.
[squeaking] (man on TV)'.
and I win–' 'Marcel, you give Rossythe remote.
' [TV audio in Spanish] – Great.
I'll fix it.
[TV audio in Spanish] 'Oh, cool.
' “Urkel” in Spanish is “Urkel.
” How did he do this? So, tell me something, isleaving the Christmas lights up part of your planto keep us merry all year long? No, no, you see, someone was supposed to take them downaround New Year's but obviously someone forgot.
Well, someonewas supposed to write “Rach, take down the lights” and put it onthe refrigera.
How long has thatbeen there? Hey, where you been? I went back to Riff's.
I think Ursula likes me.
All I ordered was coffee.
She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
– She is so hot.
– Yeah, listen.
Before you do anythingJoey-like you might wannarun it by, uh.
[laughing on TV] – Yeah?- Yeah.
Do you think it would byif I asked out your sister? Why? Why would youwant to do that? Why? Well, so that if wewent out on a date she'd be there.
Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's you know, whateverand, uh.
it's true we wereone egg once but, uh.
You know, we've grown apart so, um.
I don't know.
Why not? Okay.
[man on TV speaking Spanish] [Phoebe sighs] You okay? Yeah.
You wanna watch”Laverne y Shirley?”█ Cinco, seis, siete, ocho (women on TV)'Schlemiel! Schlamaze█ 'Hasenpfeffer Incorporado Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here.
Would you come back inside? No, no, no, no, no.
You wanted me totake 'em down so.
I'm taking 'em down, okay? Whoa.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
Rachel! – Rachel!- I'm okay! I'm okay! Mr.
Heckles, could you, could you help me, please? See, this is just the kind ofthing I was talking about.
[theme music] – Ow, ow, ow.
– Ow, ow, ow.
Hi, uh, my friend herewas taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her footor, or ankle or something.
You still haveyour Christmas lights up?! Fill this outand bring it back to me.
– Okay, here we go.
– Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
In caseof emergency, call? You.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I love you.
Insurance? Oh, yeah.
Definitely gonnawant some of that.
You don't have insurance? Why? How muchis this gonna cost? I have no idea, but X-rays alone could bea couple hundred dollars.
Well, what are we gonna do? There's not muchwe can do.
unless, unless I use yours.
No, no, no.
Well, now, wait a second.
Who did I just put as my”In case of emergency” person? That's insurance fraud.
Then, forget it.
Might as well just go home.
Okay, come here.
– I hate this.
– Thank you.
Thank you, I love you.
Um, I'm gonna needa new set of these forms.
Why? I am really an idiot.
You see I was filling outmy friend's form and instead of puttingher information I put mine.
You are an idiot.
[instrumental music] Hey.
Um, have you got a minute? Um, yeah.
I'm just working.
Um, oh, I got youa birthday present.
Oh, wow, you remembered.
Oh, it's a Judy Jetson thermos.
Right, like the kind you– Right.
Oh, I got somethingfor you too.
How'd you know I was coming? Um.
yeah, um, twin thing.
I can't believe you did this.
I can't believe you.
What's the dealwith, um, you and Joey? Oh, right.
He is so great.
But that's over.
Does he know? Who? Joey.
You know, um.
He's, he's reallynutsy about you.
– He is? Why?- You got me.
Doesn't this comewith a side salad? So, um, are yougoing to call him? What? You think he likes me? No, Joey.
He is so smart.
He'll figure it out.
Do you wantsome chicken? No.
No food with a face.
You have not changed.
Yeah, you too.
what areyou doing here? I've been tryingto call you.
– Listen, um— Oh, no, no, no.
Don't say, “listen.
” I know that “listen.
“I've said that “listen.
” I'm sorry.
I don't get it.
What happened? What about everythingyou said under the bridge? Yeah, um.
You know, you shouldjust forget about what I saidunder the bridge.
I was talkingcrazy that night.
I was so drunk.
You don't drink.
That's right, I don't.
But I was, I was drunk on you.
– Oh, Urs.
– But, okay, yeah.
So it's not gonna work.
Why? Is it becauseI'm friends with Phoebe? If it was, would you stophanging out with her? No.
I, I couldn't do that.
Um, then, yeah.
It's 'cause of Phoebe.
So, you know, it's either her or me.
Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
you're going to be reallyreally hard to get over.
I don't know whether it's just'cause we're breaking up but.
you have never lookedso beautiful.
Really? – Pheebs?- Yeah? Oh.
[laughing] Shut up! We're not saying anything.
– What?- Uh, Joey cried last night.
We were playing poker, right.
There was chocolateon the three.
It looked likean eight, alright? Oh, you should have seen him.
“Read 'em and weep.
” And then he did.
Well, now, how come you guyshave never played poker with us? Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind ofsexist guy thing? Like, it's poker, so only guys can play.
Women are welcome to play.
So then what is it? Some kind of, you know.
like, some kind of, you know, like.
Alright, what is it? There just don't happento be any women in our game.
Yeah, we just don't happento know any women that know how to play poker.
– Oh please, that is such alame excuse! I mean, it-it'sa typical guy response.
Excuse me, do any of youknow how to play? (in unison)No.
But, you couldteach us.
Okay, so nowwe draw cards.
So, I wouldn'tneed any, right? 'Cause I have a straight! – Oh! Good for you!- Congratulations! Okay, Pheebs, how many do you want? Okay.
I just need two.
The, uh, ten of spadesand the six of clubs.
No, Pheebs, you can't do– Oh, wait, I have the ten ofspades.
Here, you want it? No, no.
Uh, no, see, you-you can't do that.
Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.
I don't need them.
I'm going for fours.
Alright, here we go.
We got salmon roulettesand assorted crudites.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what are you doin'? This is a poker game, you can't serve food with more thanone syllable.
It's gotta be likechips, or dip, or pretz.
Okay, so at this point, the dealer– Alright, you know, we got it.
Let's play for real, alright? – High stakes, big bucks.
– Alright, now, you sure? Pheebe just threwaway two jacks because they didn'tlook happy.
But, I'm ready, so just deal.
Alright, last-minutelesson, last-minute lesson.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I see.
So then, you were lying.
About what? About how goodyour cards were.
I was bluffing.
And what is bluffing? Is it not another wordfor lying? Okay, sorry tobreak up this party but, I've got resumes tofax before lunch tomorrow.
Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Settle what? The Jamestown colonyof Virginia.
You see King Georgeis giving us the land, so.
The game, Rachel.
You owe us moneyfor the game.
You know, what, you guys, it's their first time.
Why don't we justforget about the money.
Hell, no, we'll pay! Monica, I hadanother answer all ready.
And you know what?We want a rematch.
Well, that'sfine with me.
Could use the money.
So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking moneyfrom all of your friends.
Yes, and I get my ya-yasfrom IKEA.
You have to put themtogether yourself but they costa little less.
Look, Rach, this is poker.
I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose.
So, if you're gonnaplay poker with me don't expect meto be a nice guy.
Okay, 'cause oncethose cards are dealt.
Yeah? I'm not a nice guy.
Boy, you really can'tstand to lose, can you? Your whole faceis getting red.
The little vein'spopping outta your temple Plus, that shirt doesn'treally match those pants.
First of all, I'm not losing, I- [phone ringing]- Oh, you're definitely losing.
– Let's not talk about losing– Hello.
It's about the job.
How are you? Uh-huh.
No, I understand.
Yeah, oh, well, come on, no, I'm fine.
Don't be silly.
Yeah, but, you know, if anything else opens up.
please- hello? Hello? [scoffs] Hmm.
Yeah, you know, there'sgonna be lots of other stuff.
Where were we? Oh.
jacks or better.
Look, Rach, we don'thave to do this.
Yes, we do.
– Alright, check.
I'm in for 50 cents.
– I'm in.
I see your 50 cents.
and I raise you.
I thought it wasa 50-cent limit.
Well, I just lost a joband I'd like to raise the bet five bucks.
Does anybody havea problem with that? [indistinct chatter] Loser? No, I fold.
What do you mean you fo?Hey, come on, what is this? I thought that “once the cardsare dealt, I'm not a nice guy” I mean what, were youjust full of it? I'm in.
How many you want? One.
Dealer takes two.
– 'What do you bet?'- I bet $2.
Okay, see your two.
and I raise you.
I'll see your 20.
raise you 25.
See your 25.
and, uh, Monica, get my purse.
Rachel, there'snothing in it.
Okay, then get me your purse.
here you go.
I saw your 25, and I raise you.
Joey, I'm a little shy.
That's okay, Ross.
You can ask me.
– What do you need?What do you need?- Fifteen.
– Here's ten.
– Here, I got five.
I got five.
– Thank you.
– Good luck.
Okay, I am calling your seventen What do you got? [dramatic music] Full house.
You got me.
– Oh!- Oh! ♪ Da da da da da-da ♪ Da da da da da-da Oh.
Oh! That's alright, you know, that's a tough hand to beat.
I thought we had them! When you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards.
Look how happy she is.
How could you lose him? I don't know, I don't know.
We were watching TV and then he poopedin Monica's shoe.
He poopedin my shoe? – Which one?- I don't know.
– The left one.
– Which ones? Oh, oh, those littleclunky Amish things you think gowith everything.
Why is the air inhere so negative? – Rachel lost Marcel.
– Oh, no! How? – He-he pooped in my shoe.
– Which one? Those cute little blackones I wear all the tim.
Which one? The right or left? 'Cause the leftone is lucky.
Come on, you guys, what are wegonna do? What are we gonna do? Alright, alright, alright.
You're a monkey.
You're loose in the city.
Where do you go? Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things.
I'll go to Cats.
You goto the Russian Tea Room.
Oh, my God! Come on, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute!He's gonna kill me! Okay, we'll startwith the building.
You guys take the firstand second floor.
Phoebe and I willtake third and fourth.
W-w-what am I gonna do?What am I gonna do? Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone.
Spray Lysol in my shoeand wait for Ross to kill you.
Does anybody wanna trade? Oh.
[instrumental music] Come on.
[knocks on door] What do you want? Mr.
Heckles, our-our-ourfriend lost a monkey.
Have you seen it? I left a Belgianwaffle out here.
– Did you take it?- No! Why would you leave yourBelgian waffle in the hall? I wasn't ready for it.
Have you seen a monkey? Saw Regis Philbin once.
Okay, thank you, Mr.
You owe me a waffle.
Okay, he's a, he'sa black capuchin monkey with a white face with-with Russian dressingand pickles on the side.
How did, uh, how did it go today? – Oh, great!- Yeah? It went great.
– Hey, is that wine?- Yeah, yeah.
– You, uh, you want some? Oh, I would love some.
But you know what?You know what? Let's not drink it here.
I'm feeling kind of crazy.
You wanna go to Newark? Uh, okay.
Yeah, uh, we could do that.
But before we head offto the murder capital of the Northeast.
I was, uh.
Kind of wanted toto run something by you.
You know how we were, uh, you know, talking before about, uh, relationshipsand stuff, well.
Oh, God, Ross, I cannot do this.
Okay, quickand painful.
Ross, pleasedon't hate me.
Oh, why? What? What? [chuckles] Uh, you know Marcel? Yeah? Well, ahem, I, I kind of.
I kind of lost him.
[indistinct] [car horn honking] – 'Marcel?'- 'Marcel?' Marcel? (both)Marcel? – Oh, my God!- What? Something just brushed up against my right leg.
– What is it?- Oh.
Oh, it's okay.
It was just my left leg.
[screeching] – 'Look, Phoebe!'- Oh, yeah.
Oh, come here, Marcel.
Step aside, ladies.
Oh, what are you gonna do? Just a small tranquilizer.
[dramatic music] (Monica)'Run, Marcel! Run!' – Run, Marcel!- Damn! – Are you okay?- Uh, yeah, I think so.
[screeching] – 'Marcel?'- 'Marcel?' Marcel? This is ridiculous! We've been all overthe neighborhood.
He's-he's just gone! – Ross, you don't know that.
– Oh, come on.
He doesn't know the village! Oh.
And now I havea broken foot.
I have no monkeyand a broken foot.
– Thank you very much.
– Ross, you know? I've said I'm sorrylike a million times.
What do you want me to ?Huh? What do you wanna.
You want to break my fo?Is that it? Okay, here.
I'm gonna break my foot.
Right now, there.
Ow! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, my God.
There, are you happy now? Yeah, yeah, you know, nowthat you kicked the sign hey! What? I don'tmiss Marcel anymore.
You know, it is not likeI did this on purpose.
No, no, no, this isjust vintage Rachel.
I mean, things justsort of happen around you.
I mean, you'reoff in Rachel Land doing your Rachel thing totally obliviousto people's monkeys or to people'sfeelings and.
– Ross?- I don't even wanna hear it.
– No, you're always— Ross.
– Oh, forget it, okay?- Ross! What? What? What? – Hey!- Hey! Banana man! Wait.
[instrumental music] [knocking on door] Oh, this is so intense.
One side of my buttis totally asleep and the other side has no idea.
Did you order some bananas? – What about it?- Give me my monkey back! I don't have a monkey.
Then what's withall the bananas? Potassium.
[Marcel chattering] Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel? [all gasp] Marcel! – What have you done to him?- That's my monkey.
Patty the monkey.
Are you insane? Come here, Marcel, come on.
Come here, Patty.
Come here, Marcel.
Come here, Patty.
(Luisa)Here, monkey! Here, monkey! 'Here, monkey!' Gotcha! – Okay, give me my monkey back!- That's my monkey.
You're both gonna have totake this up with the judge.
That's not my monkey.
Just the dress is mine.
You can send itback whenever.
– Alright, I want my monkey.
– No! – Oh, come on, Louisa.
– Sorry, prom queen.
You had to be a bitchin high school.
You couldn't have been fat? Alright, look, okay in high school, I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queenand the class president and you.
Look, if youtake this monkey I will loseone of the most important peoplein my life.
You can hate meif you want but please donot punish him.
Come on, Louisa, you have a chance to be the biggerperson here.
Take it! [inhales deeply] [exhales heavily] No.
Well, then how aboutI call your supervisor and I tell her thatyou shot my friend in the asswith a dart? I am telling youyears from now school children will study it as one of the greatestfirst dates of all time.
It was unbelievable.
We could totally be ourselves.
We didn't have toplay any games.
– So have you called her yet?- Let her know I like her? What are you insane? Oh, guys.
It's the next day.
How needy doI wanna seem? I'm right, right? – Oh, yeah.
– Yeah, let her dangle.
I can't believe my parentsare actually pressuring me to find one of you people.
God, come on, just do it.
Stop being so testosterone-y Which, by the way isthe real San Francisco treat – I got her machine.
– Her answering machine? No, interestingly enoughher leaf blower picked up.
So, um, why didn'tyou say anything? Oh, no, no, no, last timeI left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase”Yes indeedy-O.
” Look, look, look, it's Rachel and Barry.
No, no, no, don't, don'teverybody look at once.
Okay, okay, what's going on? Okay, they're just talking.
Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like, he was justtold to shove anything? No.
No, actually, he's smiling, and.
Oh, my God!Don't do that! What? What? What? That man across the street just kicked that pigeon.
And basicallythat's how a bill becomes a law.
– Hey, Rach.
– Hi, Rach.
How'd it go? You know, it was uh, actually really great.
Took me to lunchat the Russian Tea Room.
And I had that chickenyou know, where you poke it and all the buttersquirts out.
Not a good day for bird.
Then we took a walkdown to Bendel's.
And I told him not to but he got me a littlebottle of Chanel.
█ That's nice.
Was that before or afteryou told him to stop calling stop sending you flowers and to generallyleave you alone, hmm? Right.
Well, we neveractually got to that.
Oh, it was just so niceto see him again, you know? It was, it was comfortable, and it was familiar.
– It was just nice.
– That's-that's nice twice.
Rachel, wh-what's going on? I mean, isn't thisthe same Barry who you left at the alter? Duh, where've you been? Yeah, but it was differentwith him today I mean, and he wasn't like Orthodontist guy, you know? I mean, we had fun.
Is there anythingwrong with that? Yes! – Why?- I have my reasons.
Okay, how about the factthat he's engaged to another womanwho just happens to be your ex-best friend? Alright, alright, alright, I know it's stupid.
I'll go see him this afternoonand I'll just put an end to it Wow! Wow.
I'm not crazy, right?I mean, it was never like that.
No, it wasn't.
It was so nice havingthis little sink here.
– Can I use your phone?- Yeah.
Uh, but for future referenceuh, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.
[ringing] Yes, it's working.
Why isn't she calling me back? Maybe she nevergot your message.
You know, if you want you can call her machine and if she has a lot of beepsthat means she probably didn'tget her messages yet.
You don't think thatmakes me seem a little.
Desperate, needy, pathetic? Ah, you obviouslysaw my personal ad.
– How many beeps?- She answered.
You see, this is whereyou'd use that “Hello” word we talked .
I'm not gonna talk to her.
She obviously got my message and is choosingnot to call me.
Now, I'm needy and snubbed.
God, I miss just being needy.
' How'd he take it? Pretty well, actually.
– Uh, Rach?- What? How come you havedental floss in your hair? – Oh, do I?- Uh-huh.
We ended up having sexin his chair.
You had sexin his chair? I said that a littletoo loudly, didn't I? You, you had what? Sex in his chair.
What, uh, what were you thinking? I don't know.
I mean, we stillcare about each other.
There's a history there.
It's like you and Carol.
It's nothing like me and Carol.
Please, if she said to , “Ross, I want you on this couch.
Right here, right now, ” what would you say? If it helps, I could slide over.
It's, it's-it's uh, a totally different situation.
It's-it's apples and oranges.
It's-it's orthodontistsand lesb- I got to go.
– Wh-where are you going?- I just have to go! Alright.
Do I needa reason, huh? I mean, I have thingsto do with my life.
I have a jam-packed schedule and I am latefor keeping up with it, okay? [phone ringing] Hello? Hello? [imitating phone ringing] Hell is filledwith people like you.
The peeper's back.
– Get down!- Get down? And boogie.
Thanks, but I got to go to work and get my eyesscratched out by Mindy.
You know, She may not even know.
Please, I haven't heardfrom her in seven months and now she calls me I mean, what else is it about? Oh.
She was my best friendyou guys.
We wentto camp together.
– She taught me how to kiss.
– Yeah? Now, you know, I'm like the other woman.
Oh, I feel so.
Alright, I'll see youguys later.
Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you.
Now, Rach, when she taughtyou to kiss you were at campand were you wearing any kindof little uniform or.
That's fine, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonnago to the bathroom.
Will you watch my phone? Why don't you justtake it with you? Hey, we haven't beenon a second date.
She needs to hear me pee? Why don't you just call her? I can't call her.
I left a message.
– I have some pride.
– Do you? No.
Hi, it's uh, it's Chandler.
[clears throat] Uh, listen.
I don't know if you triedto call me because, uh.
idiot that I am I accidentallyshut off my phone.
That's, that's-that's fine That's great.
She's on the other line.
She's gonna call me back.
♪ She's on the other lineshe's gonna call me back♪ ♪ She's on the other linegonna call me back ♪ – Don't you have to pee?- It's why I'm dancing.
This is Monica Geller.
Um, I believe I'm takingsome classes with you and I was wonderingwhat they were.
What are you doing? Alright.
Thanks a lot.
I'm going to tap class.
What-what, so that you can dance with the womanthat stole your credit card? This woman's got my life.
I should get to see who she is.
Go to the post office.
I'm sure her picture's up! Okay.
Monica, you know ?You're kinda losing it here.
I mean, this is really becominglike a weird obsession thing.
This is madness.
It's madness, I tell you! For the love of God, Monica, don't do it! Thank you.
[instrumental music] What do you think? Lots of things.
Which one do you thinkshe is? – May I help you?- Oh, no.
We're just here to observe.
You don't observe a dance class.
You dance a dance class.
Spare shoes are over there.
What does she mean? I think she means”You dance.
a dance class” Come on, come on, come on.
You see anybodyyou think could be me? People, last time there weresome empty yogurt containers lying around after class.
Let's not havethat happen again.
She could be you.
Let's get started.
'Five, six' 'a-five, six, seven, eight' Okay, I'm not getting this! I'm totally getting it.
Do you ever just feellike sometimes you are so unbelievablyuncoordinated? What? You just clickwhen they click.
Now everyone grab a partner.
And my dead mothersaid you are it.
– I'm with Rachel.
It's gym classall over again.
Well, that's alright, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
Why don't I justtake off my clothes and have a nightmare? It's okay.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Okay, here I am.
So, who's the new tense girl? She's your partner.
– Monana?- Yeah.
I-I spentthree years in Amsterdam.
[Speaking Dutch]Mag ik deze dans van u? Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
– And we're dancing.
A-five, six, seven, eight.
Where have you been? I just got backfrom the vet.
She's not gonnamake you wear one of those bigplastic cones, is she? She says Marcel'shumping thing's not a phase.
Apparently, he's reachedsexual maturity.
Hey, he beat ya She says, as time goes onhe's gonna start getting aggressive and violent.
So what does this mean? I might have to give him up.
[instrumental music] [instrumental music] I can't believe it, Ross.
This sucks! I mean, I don't get it.
I mean, you just got him.
How could he bean adult already? I know.
I mean, one dayhe's this little thing and then before you know it he's this little thingI can't get off my leg.
Isn't there any wayyou can keep him? No.
No, the vet saidthat unless he's in a place where he has regular accessto some.
he's just gonna get vicious.
You know, I-I've-I've just gottaget him into a zoo.
How do you geta monkey into a zoo? I know that one.
No, that'spopes into a Volkswagen.
Well, we're applyingto a lot of them.
And naturally, our first choice would be oneof the bigger state zoos you know, like San Diego.
Oh-h, right? But that mayjust be a pipe dream because, you know, he's outta state.
Uh, my, my vetknows someone at Miami so, so that's a possibility Yeah, but that's, like, two blocks away from the beach I mean, it's atotal party zoo.
(female announcer)'This is the finalboarding call' 'for Flight 67 San Diego' 'boarding at Gate 42A.
Goodbye, little monkey guy.
I, I wrote you this poem.
– I'm just.
Okay, but don't eat ittill you get on the plane.
“Thank you, Aunt Phoebe” Oh.
Now, I know there's gonea lot of babes in San Diego.
but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
I don't knowwhat to say, Ross.
Uh, it's a monkey.
No, just s-saywhat you feel, Joey.
Marcel, I'm hungry.
That was good.
[clears throat] Marcel, this is for you.
– It's, uh.
Just, you know, somethigto, uh.
do on the plane.
Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment just me and him.
– Go ahead.
– Oh!- Oh! Uh.
Marcel, come here, come here.
this is it.
There's just a couple of thingsI wanted to say.
I'm really gonna miss you.
I'm never gonnaforget about you.
You've been more thanjust a pet to me.
You've, you've beenmore like a be.
Marcel, would you.
Marcel, would you.
Ple, would you leave my leg alone? Would you just stop humping mefor two seconds? Marcel, would you, okay, would you.
Just take him away, Just take him.
Ooh, oh, give me.
Can you see meoperating a drill press? I don't know.
What are you wearing? Pheebs, why would youwant to operate a drill? Just for some short term work.
You know, till I get backsome of my massage clients.
Pirates again? No, nothing like that.
such a dummy.
I taught this “Massage yourselfat home” workshop.
And they are.
Hey, hey, Chan.
She could work for you.
That's a good idea.
I could!What is it? Well, my secretary is gonna beout for a couple of weeks.
She's having one ofher boobs reduced.
It's a whole big boob story.
I could be a secretary.
Well you know, Pheebs, I don't know if it's your kind of thingbecause, uh.
it involvesa lot of being normal.
For a large portion of the day.
I could do that.
– What're you playing with?- Oh, it's my new beeper.
What the helldoes a paleontologist need a beeper for? Is it like fordinosaur emergencies? “Help! Come quick.
They're still extinct!” No.
It's for whenCarol goes into labor.
She can get mewherever I am.
All she has to dois dial, uh, 55 Jimbo.
A cool phone numberand a possible name for the kid! Alright.
See you guys later.
Off to see young Ethan? Thank you.
How young is young Ethan?Young? He's our age.
When we were.
He's a seniorin college.
– College?- Whoa! And this man-childhas no problem with how old you are? No.
Of course not.
It's not even an issue.
'Cause I told him I was 22.
– What?- What? – Oh, I can't pass for 22?-Well, maybe 25, 26.
– I am 26.
– There you go.
[telephone ringing] [telephone ringing] Can you hear that? Yeah.
[telephone ringing] You see, that'll stop whenyou pick up the phone.
Oh! – Ooh! I'm on.
No, I'm sorry.
He's in a meeting right now.
I'm not in a meeting.
? Will he know what this isin reference to? And he has your number? Alright.
I'll seethat he gets the message.
– What?- Ross says hi.
This is so fun.
What do we do now? Well, now I actuallyhave to get to work.
[laughs] – Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
– Bye bye.
[intercom buzzing] – Yes.
– 'Whatcha doin'?' Oh.
– How was the first day?- Hey.
Everyone was so, so nice! See it pays to know thenwho wears my shoes.
No, I didn't tell anyboythat I knew you.
Why not? Oh, because you know.
they don't like you.
What? I thought you knew that.
Who doesn't like me? Everyone.
Except for um.
What are you talking about? Don't feel bad.
You know, they used to like you a alot.
But, then you got promoted, and you know now you're alllike Mr.
You know, Mr.
Boss man Bing.
I can't believe it.
They even do you.
They “do” me? You know like, um, okay, um “Could that reportbe any later.
” [laughing] I don't sound like that.
– Yeah, you do.
“The hills are alivewith the sound.
” “My scone!” Both: “My scone!” Okay.
I don't sound like.
That is so not true.
[laughing] That is so not.
that is so not.
Oh, shut up! And I think last nightwas great, you know the karaoke thing.
Tracyand I doing Ebony and Ivory? – Mm-hm.
– Huh? You were great! But they still madefun of you.
– What?- You know.
Now you're more like, you know, Mr.
you know, “I'm one of you” boss.
Then I don't get it.
Well, you know what, Chandler I think you just gotta face it.
You're like the guyin the big office.
You know? You're the onethat hires them and fires them They still sayyou're a great boss.
– They do?- Uh-huh.
But they're notyour friends anymore [sighs]But I just want– No but you can't.
– But I just want— Nuh-uh.
Monica, let's go.
Come onnow people! Woman in labor! Hey Ross.
Look what I got going here.
Save itfor the cab.
Okay? What are you doing?What are you doing? We're going to a hospital What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there.
– Joey, get out of the fridge.
– 'Alright! Alright.
' – What is that?- For the ride.
– Oh, yeah.
Like in a c– Save it! – Okay.
– Monica, come on now! Let's go! – Baby coming, god!- I can't believe it.
– I'm gonna be an aunt! – I'm going to have a nephew!- Yeah.
Get out! Well, let's go.
' – Here we go.
Here we go.
[instrumental music] (woman on PA)'Johnson, we havea call on line seven.
' She's not here yet.
She's not here.
She's having my babyand she's not here.
I'm sure everything's fine.
H-has her water broken yet? I don't know, but when I spoke to her she said she had alreadypassed the mucus plug.
[gagging] Do we have to know about that? Joey, what are you gonnowhen you have a baby? I'm gonna be in the waitingroom, handin' out cigars.
Yes, Joey's made arrangementsto have his baby in a movie from the '50s.
God! I don't believe this.
I mean, she could begiving birth in the cab.
Oh, Ross, relax, it's probablyonly like two dollars for the first contractionand then 50 cents each additional contraction.
What, it's okaywhen Chandler does it? You have to pick your moments Hi.
Did I miss it?Did I miss it? – No, she's not even here yet.
– Oh! What's with the guitar? Well, I just thoughtwe might be here for a while so, you know, things might get musical.
– Oh!- Oh! Hey! Where the hellhave you been? Oh, we stopped at the gift shop.
Wow! Wow! Wha.
I was looking at stuffed animals and Susan wanted a Chunky.
Oh, Susan wanted a Chun.
You're havin' a baby, okay?A baby.
You don't stop for Chunky's! I used to havethat bumper sticker.
[chuckles] You see what I mean? [guitar music] ♪ They're tiny and chubbyand so sweet to touch ♪ ♪ But soon they'll grow upand resent you so much ♪ ♪ Now they're yelling at youand you don't know why ♪ ♪ And you cryand you cry and you cry ♪ ♪ And you cryand you cry and you.
♪ – Thanks, Ross.
I'm paying you to stop! – Okay?- Okay.
(Monica)'Oh, look, twins.
Oh, cute, cute' Ugh.
No fair!I don't even have one.
How come they get two? – You'll get one.
– Oh, yeah? When? (Chandler)'Alright, I'll tell you what' When we're 40, if neither of us are married what do you say you and Iget together and have one? Why won't I be marriedwhen I'm 40? Oh, no, no.
I-I just meant hypothetically.
why won't I bemarried when I'm 40? – No.
– No, no, what is it? Seriously Is there something fundamentallyunmarriable about me? – Uh-uh, uh— Well? Dear God! This-this parachuteis a knapsack.
Ooh! Look at you, dressy dress – Huh.
– Did you go home and change? Uh, well, it's an important day.
I wanna look nice.
Um, has, uh, Dr.
Franzblau been by? – No, I haven't seen hi.
– Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here.
What if the baby needs him? Rachel, what is the dealwith you and doctors anyway? Is, like, your-yourfather a doctor? Yeah, why? No reason.
Oh, please, this is so your fault.
How? How is this my fault? Look, Carol never threw me outof a room before you came along.
Yeah? Well, there's a lotof things Carol never did before I came along.
You're trying to be clever?Are you funny funny lad? You know what your problem is? You are so threatened by me! – Oh, I'm threat, I'm threatene?- Everything I say is a problem– Hey.
Hey! – Yes.
That's it! Get in here, come on! My God, you guys! I don't believe you.
There are childrencoming into the world in this very building andyour negative fighting noises are not the first thingthey should be hearing.
So just stop allthe yelling!Just stop i!t Yeah, Susan.
Don't make me do this again!I don't like my voice like this! Okay, who wantsto hear something ironic? (together)Help! – I'm.
– Help! I'm havin' a baby in here! Hello! – Help!- Okay, everyone stand back.
– 'Oh!' – Are they here yet?- No, honey, they're not But don't worry, we're gonna find them.
And until we do, we are all here for you, okay? – Okay.
Okay, so anyway, you weetelling me about Paris.
– It sounds wonderful!- Oh.
Tell you what.
There was this great littlepastry shop right by my hotel – Ah! Ah!- There you go, dear.
What are you gonna do?Suck the door open? Help! Help! – Help!- He.
♪ They found their bodiesthe very next day ♪ ♪ And they foundtheir bodies the very next day♪ ♪ La la la -Uh, help!-Help! Look, mom, everything'sgoing fine, really.
Yeah, Ross is great, he.
he's in a whole other place! No, he's gone.
No, no, you-you don'thave to fly back, really.
What do you meanthis might be your only chance? Oh.
Would you stop?I'm only 26.
I'm-I'm not eventhinking about babies yet.
[baby cooing] [imitates static] – Where have you been?- Oh, I just had a baby.
Mazel tov! [instrumental music] Hi, I'm Ben.
[chuckles] I'm hospital worker Ben.
It's Ben to the rescue.
– Ta-da-da!- Okay, okay, okay.
– Ben, you ready?- Yeah.
– Alright, give me your.
Okay, on three, Ben.
One, uh, two, three! – Uh!- Ooh.
Come on, Ben.
Okay, that's it, Ben.
(Susan)'Uh, what do you see?' (Phoebe)Well, Susan, I seewhat appears to be a dark vent.
' (Phoebe)Yes, it is in facta dark vent.
[groaning] – Oh!- Ah, Pheebs, it's open.
It's open! Wait! You forgot your legs! (in unison)Push! Push! – We're here.
Hey!- Daddy's here.
– We're here.
– Where have you been? Long story, honey.
Alright, Carol, I needyou to keep pushing.
I need, uh, I-I need.
Excuse me, can I have this? Oh, I'm sorry.
Alright, alright, therewtoo many people in this room.
There's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go! – Alright, alright.
– Okay, bye, bye, bye.
Good luck, you guys.
Good luck! Let me ask you, do you obe Carol's lesbian life partner? Out! – Hey.
How long did you think thisbarbecue was going to last? I'm going to China.
Geez, you sayone thing and.
– You're going to China?- Yeah, it-it's for the museum.
Uh, someone found a bone, and we want the bone but they don't want usto have the bone.
So I'm going to try andethem to give us the bonw.
It's a, it'sa whole big bone thing.
Anyway, I'm going to be gonefor like, uh, like, a week.
So, uh, if you wantto reach me, you-you can't.
So, here's my itinerary.
here's a picture of me.
– Oh, let me see.
Could you take itto Carol's every now and then and show it to Benjust so he doesn't forget me? – Yeah.
– Hi, Ben.
I'm your father.
I am the head! Ha! Alright, this barbecue'sgoing to be very fun.
Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wantedto wish her a happy birthdaybefore I, I left.
She's outhaving drinks with Carl.
Hey, who's Carl? You know, that guyshe met at the coffee house.
Well, see, there's thisythat she met– At the coffee house? Right.
So you do know who he is.
Okay, I'm going to gosay good-bye to the guys.
Okay, hey, you know wha, tell them that bone story.
– I have to go to China.
– The country? No, no, this big pile of dishesin my mom's breakfront.
Do you guys knowwho Carl is? Uh, let's see, Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
Well, Rachel's havingdrinks with him tonight.
Oh, no, how can she do that when she's nevershown any interest in you! – Forget about her.
– He's right, man.
Go to China.
Eat Chinese food.
Of course, there they just call it “food” Yeah, I guess.
I don't, I don't know.
Alright, just, just giveher this for me, okay? Listen, buddy, we, we'rejust looking out for you.
– I know.
– We want you to be happy.
And I may have only havea couple of beers in me but, I love you, man.
I'm still on my first, I.
I just think you're nice.
guessingthis is from.
Well, thank you, Melani.
Okay, this oneright here is from me.
Hmm, ah, it's light.
This one's from Joey.
Feels like a book.
I think it's a book.
Feels like a book.
– And it's a book!- Oh, It's Dr.
Seuss! That book got methrough some tough times There is a little childinside this man.
Yes, the doctors sayif they remove it, he'll die.
– Who's this from?- Oh, that's, uh, Ross's.
Oh! [clearing throat] Oh, my God.
– He remembered.
– Remembered what? It was like, months ago, we werewalking by this antique store and I saw this pinin the window.
And I told himthat it was just like one my grandmother hadwhen I was a little girl.
Oh! I can't believehe remembered.
But can youplay it on a plane? Oh, it's so pretty.
This must have cost hima fortune.
– I can't believe he did this.
– Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculouslyexpensive crystal duck? What did you just say? [clearing throat] Crystal duck.
The, um, the love part? [stuttering] Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no.
Just keep rubbing your head.
That'll turn back time.
This is unbelievable.
I mean, this is unbelievable.
This is really, really huge No, it's not.
█ Uh-uh, I don't thinkany of our lives are ever goingto be the same, ever again Okay, is therea mute button on this woman? I think this is so great.
I mean, you and Ross! – Did you have any idea?- No.
I mean, my first nightin the city, he mentioned something about asking me outbut nothing ever happen.
So I just, wh-what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? Well, given that he isdesperately in love with you he probably wouldn'tmind getting a cup of coffeeor something.
Ross? All this time? – Well, I've got to talk to him.
– Yeah, he's in China! – The country.
– No, no, wait.
His flight doesn't leavefor another 45 more minutes.
What aboutthe time difference? – From here to the airport?- Yes! – You're never gonna make it!- Well, I've got to try.
Rachel, what areyou going to say to him? I don't know.
Well, then maybeyou shouldn't go.
He's right, 'cause if you just gonna like break his heart, that's the kindof thing that can wait.
Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
I don't know, maybe I'll know when I see him.
– Here, look.
Does this help? No.
Look, all I know is that I cannot wait a weekuntil I see him.
I mean, this is just too big.
You know, I just, I've just got to talk to him.
I, I've got to, okay, I'll see you late.
Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first!.